(no subject)

I did pretty well most of the day, but that feeling, that grief is starting to take hold. I'm trying to fight it off. I have the tv on and I'm reading a book, so that I might distract my thoughts as much as possible. I wish I felt more tired. I can't try to sleep until I'm actually tired, otherwise I'm doomed to spend an hour trying to fall asleep with nothing but my tortured thoughts to keep me company... and I need a break. I wish I could take a vacation from my thoughts. Or erase them altogether.

I check my e-mail constantly still, that there might be word from Justin, but of course there isn't. I look forward to the days when it becomes just an old habit waiting to be broken, but for now I'm stuck in the cycle of what I did wrong and how I wish I could change everything.

I am terrified of the future.

(no subject)

Today was hard. As soon as I got on the bus this morning, my mind started wandering to the inevitable. My failed relationship with Justin. Everything I did wrong. Everything HE did wrong. What it will be like to some day find out he has a girlfriend, a wife, children. Or hell, if he finally makes that leap to gay-town. I thought about wanting to find someone, anyone to get me out of this loneliness. But I don't even know how to meet guys, and even if I did, do I really want to damage myself further by rebounding while I'm still in love with someone else? I'm frustrated with how one-sided this failure is. I wish him breaking up with me magically killed my feelings for him. If he's done having feelings for me, why can't I be done too? It isn't fair, and I hate it so much.

Those thoughts plagued me all day, like some annoying fly that keeps coming back no matter how much I try to swat it away with my hands. I pushed them down as much as I could, tried to ignore them, tried to reason and analyze my way out of them, but nothing really worked.

At the end of the day, as I took the bus home with my mom, I started talking about this or that. My day, her day, etc. We saw the bus driver she's dating, and she was all giddy. I asked her if Amy(the bus driver) had a cellphone, and she looked at me and told me to hush. It made me feel small, and annoying, and embarrassed. The dam burst. Tears were flowing out of me, and I couldn't stop them. I was trapped on a near full bus crying. I tried staring out the window to hide my face, but eventually I just buried my face in my hoodie. My mom passed me a note after a few moments. It said that she was sorry, and that she didn't mean to be harsh, but that she just didn't like talking about more personal stuff on the bus. It was very nice of her to give me the note, but I still couldn't stop crying, and all I could do was retreat into my iPod until the tears stopped.

Once I was home, I checked my e-mail, to see if I heard anything from a couple people I'd e-mailed over the weekend, and instead there was a reply from Justin to the e-mail I'd sent a week ago. It was kind of him to give me a response, but it just made me cry again. He said he knew I didn't mean to hurt him, but I did. He said he needs to take time to get better, and that he can't promise me that he'll want to be with me when he does. I understand. I wouldn't want to be with me either. Especially if I was doing better. That's what's going to happen, of course. He'll get better and better, and come to associate me with a dark past that he does not want to revisit, and that will be the end of it. I saw this coming the moment he left two months ago, but I tried to believe it wouldn't end this way. I tried to believe he would come back, but I knew he wouldn't. Even when he said he planned to. Even when he said I just had to trust in us. Even when he promised to eat a gallon of ice cream every day for a week and suffer the fate of the lactose intolerant. I knew, and that made me grab tighter and tighter, and it made things that much worse.

As for me, I don't know how to get better. Therapy isn't for me. It makes me uncomfortable, and aside from the books I was given, I've learned nothing that I didn't already know about myself. The medications I'm trying aren't for me so far, and even if they do start to work, I'm not really better, just suppressed. My only hope is to try to train my mind to think differently about myself, and if I can do that, it will influence all other parts of my life.

I wish I could just let it melt away. The fear and the jealousy, the need to control, and the depression that comes from that fear. I wish I could have my power back. But I've given it all away. To the friends I used to have, to Zach, to Justin, to my mother. I've given all my power away and now I don't know how to exist if they don't love me. And as one by one those people have stopped loving me and faded from my life, I too have faded and become a shell of what I could have been.