![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Oct. 1st, 2009 02:04 amI want to believe in myself, I do, but it feels like no one else does, so how can I? My mom and my brother are scared for me, maybe of me. My father probably has no idea about what I've gone through in the last months. Justin doesn't believe in me. That's the one that echoes in my mind the most of course. He said it barely one week ago. He said I'm not getting better. He said nothing is going to change. The person I love the most, the person I need to believe in me the most, doesn't.
It's my fault of course. All he can say is that it's my fault. How he can't have a life because of me, how I'm not trying to change for the right reasons, how he lied to me because of how I'd react.
I'm unlovable. The only people that love me now are the ones who are bound to me by blood.
I don't know how to handle this thought. If I'm never going to change, like Justin says, and I'm too much for anyone to handle, why am I still here?
I can't stop thinking about the last night I spent with Justin. I somewhat invited myself to dinner with him and his parents, and the whole time he and his father were so quiet. So quiet. I was very uncomfortable, and I asked Justin what was wrong, and he lied. He said he was just tired. But he already knew he was leaving me the next day. They all knew. I sat there jabbering like an idiot when they all knew they were leaving and that Justin was going with them. It makes me sick. It makes me so angry. I'm told that was my fault too. That he couldn't tell me. That he had to spring it on me because I would get sad, and I would talk him out of it.
I understand. I understand that it is my fault, and he has the right to blame me. It just hurts so much.
Maybe if I keep writing every day, keep pouring over those same events and feelings over and over again, they'll just wear themselves out.
It's my fault of course. All he can say is that it's my fault. How he can't have a life because of me, how I'm not trying to change for the right reasons, how he lied to me because of how I'd react.
I'm unlovable. The only people that love me now are the ones who are bound to me by blood.
I don't know how to handle this thought. If I'm never going to change, like Justin says, and I'm too much for anyone to handle, why am I still here?
I can't stop thinking about the last night I spent with Justin. I somewhat invited myself to dinner with him and his parents, and the whole time he and his father were so quiet. So quiet. I was very uncomfortable, and I asked Justin what was wrong, and he lied. He said he was just tired. But he already knew he was leaving me the next day. They all knew. I sat there jabbering like an idiot when they all knew they were leaving and that Justin was going with them. It makes me sick. It makes me so angry. I'm told that was my fault too. That he couldn't tell me. That he had to spring it on me because I would get sad, and I would talk him out of it.
I understand. I understand that it is my fault, and he has the right to blame me. It just hurts so much.
Maybe if I keep writing every day, keep pouring over those same events and feelings over and over again, they'll just wear themselves out.
