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Greetings from the bottom
Nov. 22nd, 2004 03:17 pmI have once again been informed that I think I'm better than my friends.
I'm getting sick of this. My brother used to say it to me all the time when we were kids, and it made me feel awful, because it wasn't true. He always said that I thought I was so perfect and so on, and that everyone took my side...maybe he was so busy noticing that his side wasn't being taken, that he failed to notice that mine wasn't either? More recently I've been told that by two of my female friends. That I think I am better than them. I'll admit I am hypocritical in that I will put down certain actions that I myself do, but this is the reason I am qualified to condemn those actions, right? Because I have done those things, and am aware of the thinking and mentality that goes into it. I think that sometimes I will think I am better than someone...however this is generally in a time when the given person is commiting so many mean or cruel actions that I can't help myself but to think "I would never do that" which perhaps somewhere in my mind translates to "I am above that" and then therefore "I am above them" .... but on the whole, I know I am not better than anyone, and may in fact be worse. Corrupt enough to cut the only body I am given in this life, and corrupt enough to poison my emotions from an early age, which is something not easily undone.
I was also equated with being a treacherous bitch. Disrespectful of a certain person's feelings, and so on. Again this person may be so focused on whether or not I'm considering their feelings that they may not be noticing if they are considering mine or not. I haven't been that insulted in a long time, and those this person took it back and replaced it with the "Oh well you think you're better than your friends and you're not" ... it hurts, so fucking much that it makes me sick. This person is angry with me because I make them feel guilty. But I can no more make them feel guilty than they can make me feel sad. (The philisophical theory that some people hold is of course the "you choose to be sad" thing, and supporting that in my case, yet not in their case seems crappy)
I was informed that I made this person feel bad but "It's not your fault, I let it happen." Now, here's where my past with being a crappy person gives me an understanding of what a statement like that means. 'It's not your fault' is one thing, but to add the second part tells that one DOES blame the person. 'I let it happen' ... sort of a 'I should not have let the badness that is you get to me' or whatever. I find this sort of statement very unkind, and i think I'll have to take great measures to avoid ever using it.
The anti-depressants haven't ahhh "kicked in" yet, so I'm thinking about asking my doctor about prescribing some sort of ...sedative I guess. I don't know if she can actually do that... but perhaps if I was less excitable, I would be less likely to do mental or physical harm to myself. Sure there's that image that comes to me of a person on vallium or something, doll-like and uncommunicative for the most part, drifting through life like a half-dead creature, but oh what price peace of mind comes at anyway.
Not that it's going to matter, there's a pretty good chance that she's not going to give me MORE drugs because I "THINK" it'll help. Come to think of it, it might be the equivalent of getting drunk to feel better...which as I discovered this weekend, doesn't really work. It's all still there, just with a dizzy twist.
I think I'm going to go absolutely mad over the winter break when I am locked up in my freezing room with nothing to do for a month...maybe I should buy a new sketchpad before the term is over and spend the time drawing and painting.
anyway, I just wanted to vent all that... I'm in the school computer lab and should probably work on the assignment that I came up here to do, eh?
I'm getting sick of this. My brother used to say it to me all the time when we were kids, and it made me feel awful, because it wasn't true. He always said that I thought I was so perfect and so on, and that everyone took my side...maybe he was so busy noticing that his side wasn't being taken, that he failed to notice that mine wasn't either? More recently I've been told that by two of my female friends. That I think I am better than them. I'll admit I am hypocritical in that I will put down certain actions that I myself do, but this is the reason I am qualified to condemn those actions, right? Because I have done those things, and am aware of the thinking and mentality that goes into it. I think that sometimes I will think I am better than someone...however this is generally in a time when the given person is commiting so many mean or cruel actions that I can't help myself but to think "I would never do that" which perhaps somewhere in my mind translates to "I am above that" and then therefore "I am above them" .... but on the whole, I know I am not better than anyone, and may in fact be worse. Corrupt enough to cut the only body I am given in this life, and corrupt enough to poison my emotions from an early age, which is something not easily undone.
I was also equated with being a treacherous bitch. Disrespectful of a certain person's feelings, and so on. Again this person may be so focused on whether or not I'm considering their feelings that they may not be noticing if they are considering mine or not. I haven't been that insulted in a long time, and those this person took it back and replaced it with the "Oh well you think you're better than your friends and you're not" ... it hurts, so fucking much that it makes me sick. This person is angry with me because I make them feel guilty. But I can no more make them feel guilty than they can make me feel sad. (The philisophical theory that some people hold is of course the "you choose to be sad" thing, and supporting that in my case, yet not in their case seems crappy)
I was informed that I made this person feel bad but "It's not your fault, I let it happen." Now, here's where my past with being a crappy person gives me an understanding of what a statement like that means. 'It's not your fault' is one thing, but to add the second part tells that one DOES blame the person. 'I let it happen' ... sort of a 'I should not have let the badness that is you get to me' or whatever. I find this sort of statement very unkind, and i think I'll have to take great measures to avoid ever using it.
The anti-depressants haven't ahhh "kicked in" yet, so I'm thinking about asking my doctor about prescribing some sort of ...sedative I guess. I don't know if she can actually do that... but perhaps if I was less excitable, I would be less likely to do mental or physical harm to myself. Sure there's that image that comes to me of a person on vallium or something, doll-like and uncommunicative for the most part, drifting through life like a half-dead creature, but oh what price peace of mind comes at anyway.
Not that it's going to matter, there's a pretty good chance that she's not going to give me MORE drugs because I "THINK" it'll help. Come to think of it, it might be the equivalent of getting drunk to feel better...which as I discovered this weekend, doesn't really work. It's all still there, just with a dizzy twist.
I think I'm going to go absolutely mad over the winter break when I am locked up in my freezing room with nothing to do for a month...maybe I should buy a new sketchpad before the term is over and spend the time drawing and painting.
anyway, I just wanted to vent all that... I'm in the school computer lab and should probably work on the assignment that I came up here to do, eh?
