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Nov. 23rd, 2004 03:22 pmWhen it's too hot, there's usually a solution for that. Cold water, less clothing, and so on. When you're hungry, the solution is to eat something. When you're bored, you bust out a game or a book or something.
But I'm feeling unable to find a plausible solution for my current "problem" ....too much noise in my head. Static, I guess. I've always had alot going on up there..."racing thoughts" my therapist called it... I'm always thinking of a million things at once, but right now it's too much, and it's making me so tired...and upset, and I want to DO something, but I can't...and I want to run to Zach and bawl my eyes out and have him tell me it's okay, but I can't...he hasn't even bothered to talk to me in the past days...and after everything he said to me the other day I don't know how i'd even start a conversation... maybe it'll be another friendship where the people just pretend nothing happened for the sake of moving on, yet leaving things unsolved. Or maybe it's all over.
It's month 8...and last time month 8 was the end too. The last time I saw him was just like the last time I saw him in 2003. Eerily similar actually.
...god I just feel so fucking bad after that conversation. like i am questioning what little sense of self I had left...the one part of me I thought was decent, isn't...and literally the only person i feel close to thinks I'm sailing down the river of superiority...that I don't care about his feelings... this just is so dumb, I don't want this anymore. ...
Jesus christ if I start crying in the fucking school computer lab I'm going to be pissed at myself. How embarrassing, I'm tearing up and there's like 30 people in view in this lab and the next door one with the big ol' window...and I wandered out of class to come in here too.
...to be honest I was checking my e-mail. I've been checking it alot hoping there'll be a message from the right person, but for the most part I have 0 unread messages. ...oh well... I think I probably lost connections i felt anyway... I think I used to find this sort of isolation comforting in a way, but now it just makes me want to cry.
...and god I feel like such a child, all these entries where I'm basically saying "boo hoo, life isn't fun"... but I don't want to try to talk to anyone about it... although stuff randomly spills to cookie...
but on the whole when i get the most upset, somehow I feel like finding someone to talk to would be a mistake.
...anyway there's like 13 minutes of class left... i should probably go back.
don't know if anyone read this, but thanks if you did. ...and thanks if you didn't because this shit is embarrassing
But I'm feeling unable to find a plausible solution for my current "problem" ....too much noise in my head. Static, I guess. I've always had alot going on up there..."racing thoughts" my therapist called it... I'm always thinking of a million things at once, but right now it's too much, and it's making me so tired...and upset, and I want to DO something, but I can't...and I want to run to Zach and bawl my eyes out and have him tell me it's okay, but I can't...he hasn't even bothered to talk to me in the past days...and after everything he said to me the other day I don't know how i'd even start a conversation... maybe it'll be another friendship where the people just pretend nothing happened for the sake of moving on, yet leaving things unsolved. Or maybe it's all over.
It's month 8...and last time month 8 was the end too. The last time I saw him was just like the last time I saw him in 2003. Eerily similar actually.
...god I just feel so fucking bad after that conversation. like i am questioning what little sense of self I had left...the one part of me I thought was decent, isn't...and literally the only person i feel close to thinks I'm sailing down the river of superiority...that I don't care about his feelings... this just is so dumb, I don't want this anymore. ...
Jesus christ if I start crying in the fucking school computer lab I'm going to be pissed at myself. How embarrassing, I'm tearing up and there's like 30 people in view in this lab and the next door one with the big ol' window...and I wandered out of class to come in here too.
...to be honest I was checking my e-mail. I've been checking it alot hoping there'll be a message from the right person, but for the most part I have 0 unread messages. ...oh well... I think I probably lost connections i felt anyway... I think I used to find this sort of isolation comforting in a way, but now it just makes me want to cry.
...and god I feel like such a child, all these entries where I'm basically saying "boo hoo, life isn't fun"... but I don't want to try to talk to anyone about it... although stuff randomly spills to cookie...
but on the whole when i get the most upset, somehow I feel like finding someone to talk to would be a mistake.
...anyway there's like 13 minutes of class left... i should probably go back.
don't know if anyone read this, but thanks if you did. ...and thanks if you didn't because this shit is embarrassing
