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still waiting for those meds to work...
Oct. 12th, 2004 02:04 pmLast night...I was headed to the mall with my friends...and this thing came on one of the radio stations...not sure which...and the guys were talking about self-mutilation, and cutting, and whatnot...and people were calling and giving their two cents...I don't know if people got all the reasons though... i mean a girl called in and said it was for attention, and it was a cry for help...yadda yadda... some people cut and never tell a soul...so how can it be that? ...anyway that was making me feel so...juvenille I guess...like here I am doing this thing for attention apparently...(even I don't really know why I'm doing it)... it just felt awkward to listen to it given my current...insanity-level.
...argh, then later as we were scarfing down food-court goodness...I took off my ah "hot topiccy-arm-covery-things" to eat...cause I already got food on them once... I was kind of banking on nobody really being comfortable with bring my scratched up arm into the conversation...(the cuts all look like cat scratches... as far as cutters go...I'm a wuss I guess, but I'm getting braver and that's fucking scary.) ...anyway, Oden, who is Tuna's new boyfriend,(they look so cute together ;_;) saw my arm, and hit me real hard on the "bicep." ...actually it probably wasn't that hard. it probably just felt hard to me because I'm a wuss. Anyway, he pointed at my arm, and more or less told me to knock it off...he said if he saw fresh scars he'd smack me across the face...
now...I understand the point of what he was doing...but... it didn't make me want to not "scratch"...it just made me think that I need to be sure to not let me see where I'm making marks at....so it's like I got the message, but ...not all the way through...that makes no sense.
...But everyone was sort of talking about it... Tuna was more or less saying I should find something else to do about my 'pain' or whatever I should call it...and Bumblebee just said it was stupid, and that I obviously did it so someone would see it. ...I felt really uncomfortable...and judged...and stupid...and it made me want to just keep everything to myself... Because really, if I'm going to do this to myself I shouldn't be burdening everyone ELSE with it... everyone has enough to deal with on their own... I'm guessing they don't need visual reminders of how depressive I am and whatnot.
The shame made me so uncomfortable with them, and with myself, and with my thoughts...
I'm uncomfortable being around other people...because of how stupid I feel about what I'm doing to myself physically and mentally, and I'm uncomfortable being alone, because being alone with my own thoughts leads to some harsh almost manic moments.
...I really wish that Prozac had worked...but it didn't...and it'll be weeks before I'll be able to see if this Wellibutron is going to work... I'm running out of patience.
...argh, then later as we were scarfing down food-court goodness...I took off my ah "hot topiccy-arm-covery-things" to eat...cause I already got food on them once... I was kind of banking on nobody really being comfortable with bring my scratched up arm into the conversation...(the cuts all look like cat scratches... as far as cutters go...I'm a wuss I guess, but I'm getting braver and that's fucking scary.) ...anyway, Oden, who is Tuna's new boyfriend,(they look so cute together ;_;) saw my arm, and hit me real hard on the "bicep." ...actually it probably wasn't that hard. it probably just felt hard to me because I'm a wuss. Anyway, he pointed at my arm, and more or less told me to knock it off...he said if he saw fresh scars he'd smack me across the face...
now...I understand the point of what he was doing...but... it didn't make me want to not "scratch"...it just made me think that I need to be sure to not let me see where I'm making marks at....so it's like I got the message, but ...not all the way through...that makes no sense.
...But everyone was sort of talking about it... Tuna was more or less saying I should find something else to do about my 'pain' or whatever I should call it...and Bumblebee just said it was stupid, and that I obviously did it so someone would see it. ...I felt really uncomfortable...and judged...and stupid...and it made me want to just keep everything to myself... Because really, if I'm going to do this to myself I shouldn't be burdening everyone ELSE with it... everyone has enough to deal with on their own... I'm guessing they don't need visual reminders of how depressive I am and whatnot.
The shame made me so uncomfortable with them, and with myself, and with my thoughts...
I'm uncomfortable being around other people...because of how stupid I feel about what I'm doing to myself physically and mentally, and I'm uncomfortable being alone, because being alone with my own thoughts leads to some harsh almost manic moments.
...I really wish that Prozac had worked...but it didn't...and it'll be weeks before I'll be able to see if this Wellibutron is going to work... I'm running out of patience.
