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Oct. 9th, 2004
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2004 09:49 pmit's weird, but lately every day really has felt worse than the last...which i know is a tired sentiment... but I think it's because new bad-but-little things keep getting added to the mix... like stones on my back, and its getting harder and harder to stand up straight. I have this mix of pessimism(this sucks) and optimism(but it will get better) and doubt(I hope...) ... the people in my life are hurt...and some of them are hurting me... and each other...and it's making me so sick. I've been a depressed person since I was pretty young, but when the hell did life get so fucking dark?
...and I'm getting sick of people telling me they hope I feel better...because most of the time it sounds so freaking hollow... Like when the cashier asks how your day went.
I'm sick of my friends treating eachother like NOTHING, like dogs, and not seeing it. I'm sick of how cold and disgustingly cruel people can be to people who love them.
I'm sick of Zach treating me like shit, and everyone telling me he treats me like shit, and then me later on deciding that he doesn't and that it's all in my head. I'm sick of being infatuated with some guy that has always, and will always make me feel like some sort of afterthough, background character, extra. I'm sick of caring what he does, and caring about the fact that he doesn't want me and never will, and I'm sick of him getting whoever he wants and never being happy about it.
I'm sick of falling deeper and deeper into this disgusting well of extreme self-pity, and never hitting bottom, and never find a way to stop falling and just crawl the fuck out.
I'm sick of writing entries that sound like they're coming from some pissed of 14 year old girl who's angry at the world because "nobody understands me".
I'm sick of this life I am leading, and the things I am doing every day, and the fact that all I'm going to do about it is go to bed and cry and think about shopping tomorrow.
edit: it's a shame too...I'm such a strange and funny girl...and I'm wasting away all my strangeness and funniness on bad things like being pissed off.
...and I'm getting sick of people telling me they hope I feel better...because most of the time it sounds so freaking hollow... Like when the cashier asks how your day went.
I'm sick of my friends treating eachother like NOTHING, like dogs, and not seeing it. I'm sick of how cold and disgustingly cruel people can be to people who love them.
I'm sick of Zach treating me like shit, and everyone telling me he treats me like shit, and then me later on deciding that he doesn't and that it's all in my head. I'm sick of being infatuated with some guy that has always, and will always make me feel like some sort of afterthough, background character, extra. I'm sick of caring what he does, and caring about the fact that he doesn't want me and never will, and I'm sick of him getting whoever he wants and never being happy about it.
I'm sick of falling deeper and deeper into this disgusting well of extreme self-pity, and never hitting bottom, and never find a way to stop falling and just crawl the fuck out.
I'm sick of writing entries that sound like they're coming from some pissed of 14 year old girl who's angry at the world because "nobody understands me".
I'm sick of this life I am leading, and the things I am doing every day, and the fact that all I'm going to do about it is go to bed and cry and think about shopping tomorrow.
edit: it's a shame too...I'm such a strange and funny girl...and I'm wasting away all my strangeness and funniness on bad things like being pissed off.