violue | (no subject)

it's weird, but lately every day really has felt worse than the last...which i know is a tired sentiment... but I think it's because new bad-but-little things keep getting added to the mix... like stones on my back, and its getting harder and harder to stand up straight. I have this mix of pessimism(this sucks) and optimism(but it will get better) and doubt(I hope...) ... the people in my life are hurt...and some of them are hurting me... and each other...and it's making me so sick. I've been a depressed person since I was pretty young, but when the hell did life get so fucking dark?

...and I'm getting sick of people telling me they hope I feel better...because most of the time it sounds so freaking hollow... Like when the cashier asks how your day went.

I'm sick of my friends treating eachother like NOTHING, like dogs, and not seeing it. I'm sick of how cold and disgustingly cruel people can be to people who love them.

I'm sick of Zach treating me like shit, and everyone telling me he treats me like shit, and then me later on deciding that he doesn't and that it's all in my head. I'm sick of being infatuated with some guy that has always, and will always make me feel like some sort of afterthough, background character, extra. I'm sick of caring what he does, and caring about the fact that he doesn't want me and never will, and I'm sick of him getting whoever he wants and never being happy about it.

I'm sick of falling deeper and deeper into this disgusting well of extreme self-pity, and never hitting bottom, and never find a way to stop falling and just crawl the fuck out.

I'm sick of writing entries that sound like they're coming from some pissed of 14 year old girl who's angry at the world because "nobody understands me".

I'm sick of this life I am leading, and the things I am doing every day, and the fact that all I'm going to do about it is go to bed and cry and think about shopping tomorrow.

edit: it's a shame too...I'm such a strange and funny girl...and I'm wasting away all my strangeness and funniness on bad things like being pissed off.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Do you want to be my friend?

:P friends BAD.

No no, friends good lol

Relax, girl. I'll take you out for some coffee or somethin' sometime.

;___; I don't believe in relaxing. I believe in giving myself ulcers dangnabbit!

Would it make you feel better if I kicked your ass in Soul Calibur II? >_>

:-= who do you use?

Depends. Nightmare, Talim and Raphael are my faves.

TALIIIIM!!!

By the way, do you use instant messenger? I added your AIM but you haven't been on.

:-= too crabby and self absorbed to stay on the instant messenger programs for more than 15 minutes these days...so i sually dont log on at all :\

Darn. I wanted to ask if you were busy during the early afternoon Thursday, if you want to hang out or something. I don't have class until 5.

o____o im in no position to consort with S T R A N G E R S ...

...but thankie :)

Fair enough. I'm too scary anyway. :P

Well, if you're not happy with the way things are currenlty, change them. It's as easy as that.

O.o...you know better than that, Auntie. it's really not. Not for people so wrapped up in themselves.

I know that I have been like that... and it's been easy to change things just like that.

If you don't like the way things are going, why do you keep allowing things to go that way?

In my case, it was because I believed myself a horrible person (still do, mind you), and that I didn't deserve happiness. I probably am a horrible person and I probably don't deserve happiness. But that doesn't mean that I can't change things.

You need to stop saying "I wish" and "I should" and start saying "I can" and "I will". Once you start taking positive action for yourself, things will change for the better. I'm not saying that it has to be monumental, or that you have to change the universe... you can start making a difference simply by taking a walk for an hour a day.

Hell, I remember times you told me to talk better to myself in the mirror, and even apologize to myself for trying to commit suicide. In times like that, you should follow your own advice. You're a good person, and you deserve the best life has to offer. Yeah, it's tough work but if it wasn't, it would be an empty venture.

o_o... bweeeh.

After every down there's an up.. You'll get to the point of 'the lowest of the lowest' and then theres no where to go except somewhere BETTER. Does that make sense?

live for each day and take each tear as a nwe lesson to be learned or a new experience to share someday.