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violueHopefully I've passed the low point in my day, but I'm not sure. I got really upset about some things that I guess I've been having trouble dealing with, and all three people I would normally confide in were otherwise occupied at that time, one was at work, one was out of town, and the third was at a friend's...
It seems like I'm always saying this, but I'm having a string of bad days. Yesterday I woke up feeling "distraught" and even a very rare trip to the ocean with my friends in the evening didn't pull me out of it. Instead I stood on the coastline, alone, staring at the waves and occasionally turning around to face that big, glowing moon behind me. It would have been a great time if I wasn't entertaining some very dark thoughts, while going through the entire spectrum of my negative emotions simultaneously...
It really was pretty though... I've never been to the coast at night.
Anyway, yeah I feel like shit, and I'm probably in need of a distraction... and probably in need of some time talking to a friend who can help me out...or hey a professional...but I can't afford that...damn class-system. Therapy is for the rich and the insured.
((just to forwarn, I'm about to get DEEPLY personal, so you might stop reading now))
There are these things that occured somewhat recently in my life, and I thought I was okay with them. Um, things relating to one or two men...but now I think about those things... I feel just disgusting, and dirty, and for all my self-pity/loathing, I'm really not used to feeling shamed and disgusted by my past... and I'm not sure if these are things that I shouldn't be feeling so shamed about, or if these are things I should just forget about, or if these are things I am supposed to be forgiving myself for, or what...like at first it was just not a big deal, and now suddenly it completely is and I don't know why...
It bothers me to think that perhaps I've been unsettled by these things all this time and am just now noticing...
and it sucks because about every 15 minutes I sort of remember all these things and get really upset, and don't know who to talk to about it, more importantly, if I WANT to talk about it. Cookie knows the most of anyone, but one can only bombard their friend with rants so much in a given time period... and if I talk about this with anyone else...well then I have to talk about things about myself that I don't neccessarily want people "close" to me to know about.
Anyway, I've typed all that, so in a way I've talked to someone about it...so I'll shut up for now.
-doma
It seems like I'm always saying this, but I'm having a string of bad days. Yesterday I woke up feeling "distraught" and even a very rare trip to the ocean with my friends in the evening didn't pull me out of it. Instead I stood on the coastline, alone, staring at the waves and occasionally turning around to face that big, glowing moon behind me. It would have been a great time if I wasn't entertaining some very dark thoughts, while going through the entire spectrum of my negative emotions simultaneously...
It really was pretty though... I've never been to the coast at night.
Anyway, yeah I feel like shit, and I'm probably in need of a distraction... and probably in need of some time talking to a friend who can help me out...or hey a professional...but I can't afford that...damn class-system. Therapy is for the rich and the insured.
((just to forwarn, I'm about to get DEEPLY personal, so you might stop reading now))
There are these things that occured somewhat recently in my life, and I thought I was okay with them. Um, things relating to one or two men...but now I think about those things... I feel just disgusting, and dirty, and for all my self-pity/loathing, I'm really not used to feeling shamed and disgusted by my past... and I'm not sure if these are things that I shouldn't be feeling so shamed about, or if these are things I should just forget about, or if these are things I am supposed to be forgiving myself for, or what...like at first it was just not a big deal, and now suddenly it completely is and I don't know why...
It bothers me to think that perhaps I've been unsettled by these things all this time and am just now noticing...
and it sucks because about every 15 minutes I sort of remember all these things and get really upset, and don't know who to talk to about it, more importantly, if I WANT to talk about it. Cookie knows the most of anyone, but one can only bombard their friend with rants so much in a given time period... and if I talk about this with anyone else...well then I have to talk about things about myself that I don't neccessarily want people "close" to me to know about.
Anyway, I've typed all that, so in a way I've talked to someone about it...so I'll shut up for now.
-doma
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-01 11:58 pm (UTC)oh and what are you doing For the 4th? if nothing wanna come to Alton Baker Park for the Fireworks? Maisie and Me will be there.. at least so far... that and I think Lindsay.. Meh. You should come. ^^It would be fun.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-02 12:38 pm (UTC):-= im all "booked up" for th fourth...with my uh "gang"...we just dont know what we're doing yet...((hopes it involves barbecue))
no subject
Date: 2004-07-02 03:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-03 11:55 am (UTC)There was the one guy (married) that I messed around with for a while before Christopher.
For a long time I thought I was really ok with what I was doing and I was being his friend during a time when he needed one and blah blah blah.
Now that Ive been in real relationships I have realized what I was to him, and it has def taken a toll on my self esteem and self worth.
I'm trying to get through it now that its been like 3 years since it happened. Now that Ive realized just how stupid I was~
Now I'm kind of just rambling, but I figured I'd share it with ya.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-03 01:38 pm (UTC)^^ but thank you for sharing that with me...