--another case of the b00h00s.

I'm a wreck right now. More than I've bothered to let on to anyone, to be honest.
It's like, hey, it won't last...so I'm venting here and there...mostly 'there'...(poor cookie, she's going to go deaf from all my talking) and I'm trying to just ignore the feeling that I'm being pulled apart inside, because...you know I figure that whole "woman" "moon" yadda yadda...

I always get like this.
It's just really bad right now because of an alarmingly stupid mistake I made two months ago... and the subsequent alarming mistakes I have been making since then.

nobody knows what I'm talking about...but...I'm smarter than this, I swear. I know better, and that has to count for something, right? That I have that knowledge? But then, having knowledge that could help a person, even myself...and NOT using it...is so much worse than being ignorant of my own "state" or whatever.

...and everything I think about lately, makes me want to crawl into a nice comfy bed, in a bubble shielded from the world, and go to sleep... and I want to have real sleep... the kind where I wake up refreshed, not 6-10 hours of some sort of stasis where my body doesn't even seem to regenerate... but at least I don't wake up exhausted... it's just that I seem to have this cloud of tiredness surrounding me pretty much all the time. ...might be a food-related thing.

then of course there's the clouds of lonliness and fear...but most people have those. O_o;

...I keep thinking about just leaving eugene for a while...and everytime I think of it, I remember this small little thing called school, which reminds me that by the time I have the free time to run away from the problems that I wouldn't inevitably bring with me...I won't have a cent to do so.

but god, this is all so dumb, this is the third day in a row...maybe fourth, whatever, that I've been repeatedly bogged down with the need to burst into tears...and I keep thinking; life is too fucking short for this...i don't have time for this. life is too short for unrequited-feelings(I won't call it love)...and it's too short for self-pity...and it's too short to spend it worrying, and wanting, and wishing...

so what the hell am I doing?