violue | Is it all in my head?

Well, to start off, this whole rant is probably going to make no sense, but here it comes anyway.

There's a really good chance that I'm manic/bi-polar, or something close to it, (along with a good portion of american youth I'm starting to realize) and all my friends know it. They know that I'm likely to be very sensitive to things they say, they know that I'm likely to get quiet and withdrawn once in a while, they know I obsess over the slightest things sometimes, and on a less related front, they know I have a really bad memory. It's all stuff that tends to surface every so often...

But anyway, they know.

That said, there have been times where I get into some random thing with them, where I feel they're being mean to me, and sometimes they'll say "I didn't do anything" or "That's just how I am. I shouldn't have to change how I act because of you" ... something to those effects.

...an increasingly common response on those occasions where I stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to say "hey, that was uncool of you":

"You're just looking for things to get upset about. It's all in your head."

This is fairly likely. I mean once someone like me gets it in their head that their friends aren't particularly nice, one can assume that someone like me will be EXPECTING rude behavior, thus seeing it where it isn't really present. But that's not the only possibility. I mean the other possibility is that it's not me, I really AM picking up on hostility, and perhaps it's hard for either party to discuss is that neither party knows the reason for said hostility.

I think the most likely possibility is a combination of the two, however. If I get picked on my my friends, or if they're rude to me, it's likely that I'll be looking for signs of this same behavior for days, even if I don't consciously realize it. Thus, I can end up reading far too much into a daily situation because of a catalyst that occured any number of hours/days before.

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But then, okay, with this sort of thinking in mind, how can I really tell when they're genuinely being overtly hostile, and when I just THINK they are? The most I've been able to do over the last several months is, well to pay attention. Which means a couple of things. First it means that while I'm observing, I can learn the differences in their behavior in different situations, environmentally, socially, etc. But it also means, that if I'm observing, I'm more than likely doing it with a bias, and who's to say that my bias isn't effecting what I see?

...as you can see, this is a difficult situation to feel my way through.

Let's start with Girl A.
I spent alot of time with her last term. We saw each other almost every day, and talked on the phone for way too much, even though, before that term I was wary of being around her, because she seemed hostile to me.

Now during last term, I had a good friendship going with her. We traded on alot of topics, and so on, it was good. Until we hung out with the rest of the group.

Enter Girl B, and Girl C.

Girl B, I used to see on a painfully constant basis, she was over so much for so many months that it seemed weird on the days when nobody was at my house. This routine ended over what everyone thought was a guy, but the deeper reason was simply she and I being unable to accept each other's personalities, I guess.

Girl C I've known as long as the other two, she's a mellow girl, and she gets along with everyone fairly equally. In fact, I have so few problems with her, that in a way she almost makes no sense in the group.

For some reason, Girl A seems so much different when she's around Girl B, its one of those things I started paying attention to. and probably developing a bias towards. She's more obnoxious, and often her conduct towards me teeters on the delicate line between playfully rude, and actually mean, and it's getting very difficult to tell the difference. Especially now that she's in classes with Girl B now...it's so confusing. I feel like I'm drawing this bizarre diagram.

We all talk about each other, in the behind-the-back kind of way, in different styles. Girl A tends to be in an analytical "well she did this and this, whats up with that?" sort of way. Girl B in sort of a more aggressive manner, Girl C in an observant, fairly non-biased way, and myself in more of a depressive dare I say self-centered "she did this and it affected me this way" sort of way. Rarely do we take up our problems with each other to the PERSON with whom we're having the problem. Doing so usually has hazardous results. None of us can seem to do it in the right way.

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THAT said, it makes it increasingly more likely that we all have majorly fucked up hostility towards each other. Irreversible it seems. Some of the things we complain about happened over a year ago. That kind of shit leaks out over time in a bad way.

and every so often, like currently, i avoid them except for at school, and tend to go to veeeery few places with them...

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I guess what this all is boiling down to is the fact that I have all these small little troubles with my friends, which have combined into a huge pile. When I tell people about my problems with them, I feel like an asshole, that complains too much about friends she has no intention of taking out of her life.

When I'm going THROUGH the problems, I feel like a victim and all I can do is storm away, or retreat behind a frown until I can put it out of my mind and pretend like it never happened.

I don't know how much of it is just me being me.
and I don't know how much of it is just my friends being my friends, you know?

Which is why I get confused as fuck when they say something like "it's in your head dominique"

o_o... fuck... IS IT???

I can't seem to lighten up.
I can't seem to toughen up.

...Perhaps I should consider doing some sort of intricate mix of the two.

Aww, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about... I'm just too sensitive.

Don't listen to a word I say
hehe.

Is it all in my head?

Fire the Friends