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Feb. 13th, 2005 11:44 amI was sick a few weeks ago... had a fever, yadda yadda, didn't leave the house for a few days, yadda... unfortunately at the just before that week i'd been running out of my anti-depressants, and not getting around to refilling them... so i'd randomly take one or two a day, instead of 3... which was the dosage I was taking because anything less proved ineffective... so then for that week I didn't take any at all... then I got the refill...and for the next week forgot at least 3 times to take the pills... and well I didn't really realize that the lack of medication over 3 weeks would actually have some sort of adverse effects on my emotional stability... but then... well I snapped last saturday, and since then I've been... a BASKETCASE... one day I yelled at my mom, which never happens, I keep getting upset with Zach and attempting to have conversations about those feelings...conversations that I know aren't going to go anywhere... making things worse... I feel this overwhelming sense of insecurity about the fact that he has formed this opinion of me that wont change no matter how much I do... and if he can't do that he'll never see me differently... and he never sees me as anything else... well... I guess that wouldn't change things either. One conversation I told him I was trying to be different ...and he said people shouldnt have to TRY to be anything... and he wants to be with someone that doesnt have to try to be someone else. That seemed so unfair. His biggest problems with me are things that NEED to be changed whether he's around or not... I've just been...using him as incentive I guess...so he'd at least be a bit nicer...
Oh but then in the next conversation suddenly I was "too good for him" and the day I realized that he'd be sad, but he hoped it happens.
That is one of the dumbest things he has ever said to me. If I'm too GOOD for him, wouldn't that make him far more accessible to me? I think what he should have admitted was he's too good for me. He doesn't think I'm an equal... he pushes me away, or ignores me, which causes me to feel insecure, which bottles up over a short period of time, which them causes me to make some sort of cpmplaint, which in turn upsets him and causes him to push me away and ignore me. It's a whole thing. I'd think he'd be a bit more understanding, as he's quite an attention monger too... it's just harder for me to spot because generally nobody ignores him, or if someone does, he finds someone else. I don't really have that luxury.
And what he said about how people shouldn't have to change? I think that's bullshit. If people have things that they need to change about themselves, or need to work through, and they realize that through someone else, they should change. People that are with other people that think they have no reason to change, can end up being those people that co-dependent losers, who think the world doesn't understand them outside of this one relationship, or people whose relationship just deteriorates, and neither of them try to fix it out of emotional laziness...so they continue to make each other miserable, or they give up without trying. So yeah. Bullshit. He probably just dislikes me subconsciously because I'm the only person that encourages him to deal with his emotional shit instead of hiding behind a propensity towards learning. Which I have too...but I'm not going to pretend that it's going to help me deal with my shit.
I don't know... I guess I think he's too old to be sitting on a raft, going with the flow, waiting for some book or person to fall into his lap and solve his problems for him.
This all frustrates me alot now... which brings me back to the medication thing.
I think it's withdrawls or something. I no longer have enough in my system, and I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to be okay again. Well. Okay I was never "okay"... but after the meds started kicking in I was handling...everything alot better.
Actually that sort of bugs me. I don't want to be someone that HAS to take this stuff for the rest of their life... and what if I lose my insurance or something a year from now, and my system is like completely dependent on it? What'll that do to me?
So...anyway yeah been a bit off my rocker. Not being able to summon the apathy that I was starting to feel towards the entire Zach thing. ...although I'm not a big fan of apathy... I think in thise case it's something I need, or I'm going to just be... well depressed. o_O
Oh but then in the next conversation suddenly I was "too good for him" and the day I realized that he'd be sad, but he hoped it happens.
That is one of the dumbest things he has ever said to me. If I'm too GOOD for him, wouldn't that make him far more accessible to me? I think what he should have admitted was he's too good for me. He doesn't think I'm an equal... he pushes me away, or ignores me, which causes me to feel insecure, which bottles up over a short period of time, which them causes me to make some sort of cpmplaint, which in turn upsets him and causes him to push me away and ignore me. It's a whole thing. I'd think he'd be a bit more understanding, as he's quite an attention monger too... it's just harder for me to spot because generally nobody ignores him, or if someone does, he finds someone else. I don't really have that luxury.
And what he said about how people shouldn't have to change? I think that's bullshit. If people have things that they need to change about themselves, or need to work through, and they realize that through someone else, they should change. People that are with other people that think they have no reason to change, can end up being those people that co-dependent losers, who think the world doesn't understand them outside of this one relationship, or people whose relationship just deteriorates, and neither of them try to fix it out of emotional laziness...so they continue to make each other miserable, or they give up without trying. So yeah. Bullshit. He probably just dislikes me subconsciously because I'm the only person that encourages him to deal with his emotional shit instead of hiding behind a propensity towards learning. Which I have too...but I'm not going to pretend that it's going to help me deal with my shit.
I don't know... I guess I think he's too old to be sitting on a raft, going with the flow, waiting for some book or person to fall into his lap and solve his problems for him.
This all frustrates me alot now... which brings me back to the medication thing.
I think it's withdrawls or something. I no longer have enough in my system, and I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to be okay again. Well. Okay I was never "okay"... but after the meds started kicking in I was handling...everything alot better.
Actually that sort of bugs me. I don't want to be someone that HAS to take this stuff for the rest of their life... and what if I lose my insurance or something a year from now, and my system is like completely dependent on it? What'll that do to me?
So...anyway yeah been a bit off my rocker. Not being able to summon the apathy that I was starting to feel towards the entire Zach thing. ...although I'm not a big fan of apathy... I think in thise case it's something I need, or I'm going to just be... well depressed. o_O
