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Apr. 5th, 2004
(no subject)
Apr. 5th, 2004 10:09 pmThere's this thing slightly tearing apart my heart...or at least the concept of my heart... I dare not focus directly on it, because I will feel the full force of that pain, and I'm not quite strong enough to face my own demons.
Then again, how does one get strong enough to face their demons, without facing them? How do I get past something if I don't face it full on, and push through it, instead of sitting at the center, wallowing in the negativity? I'd like to say that for me it will be as easy as resolving to face things and to beat them, but that hasn't been the case yet. So something must be holding back. Sometimes I feel like I'm one thought away from a solution.
One thought away... like it's right there, waiting for the right thought train to jump onto...and to come to the front of my consciousness...and then I will have my answers, or at least the beginning to my answers. And I won't neccessarily be complete after this, but perhaps I'll have poured another bucket out of the sinking ship I refuse to get out of.
...I'm sure my life would all come together if only my house had a washer and dryer, and my room had more shelves and more space.
I've had a bit of an off day. I got on the wrong bus this morning...well I got on the right bus, just at the wrong time. Somehow I got confused about when to leave for school, even though I left at the correct time three times last week. Somehow I thought I should be there 30 minutes sooner than I meant to be. So instead of being a half hour early for class, I was an hour early. But I had to wait for Ogre-Cookie to show up...cause our pre-class routine is for us to eat lunch together. ...and for me to complain about things of course.
In my art class I got white powder stuff in a few choice places on my clothes...my BLACK clothes. It didnt wash out well...so I had white powder all over my ass-area...and what looked like a uh "protein stain" on my crotch. I was sort of uncomfortable with that. I mean...I knew what the stain was, but nobody else was going to think "oh, she must have gotten titanium white pigment powder on her pants"...so I was feeling self conscious.... so I did the only thing I could... :D I went to the school's dontated-clothes room and got something else to wear. Which..means I'm wearing the clothes of two different people that I have never met and will never meet. I hope I'm not covered in bizarre germs now.
...I burned myself twice in the cafeteria...in under five minutes. Not the real kind of burn, like the oven burn Ogre-Cookie was sporting...but it did sting =p.... once I touched the pizza warming table-thing...and the other time I got gravy on my finger. Scalding gravy. ...oh well. At least it was fresh.
...anyhoo...
I'm going to shut up now......there's "homework" to be done.
Then again, how does one get strong enough to face their demons, without facing them? How do I get past something if I don't face it full on, and push through it, instead of sitting at the center, wallowing in the negativity? I'd like to say that for me it will be as easy as resolving to face things and to beat them, but that hasn't been the case yet. So something must be holding back. Sometimes I feel like I'm one thought away from a solution.
One thought away... like it's right there, waiting for the right thought train to jump onto...and to come to the front of my consciousness...and then I will have my answers, or at least the beginning to my answers. And I won't neccessarily be complete after this, but perhaps I'll have poured another bucket out of the sinking ship I refuse to get out of.
...I'm sure my life would all come together if only my house had a washer and dryer, and my room had more shelves and more space.
I've had a bit of an off day. I got on the wrong bus this morning...well I got on the right bus, just at the wrong time. Somehow I got confused about when to leave for school, even though I left at the correct time three times last week. Somehow I thought I should be there 30 minutes sooner than I meant to be. So instead of being a half hour early for class, I was an hour early. But I had to wait for Ogre-Cookie to show up...cause our pre-class routine is for us to eat lunch together. ...and for me to complain about things of course.
In my art class I got white powder stuff in a few choice places on my clothes...my BLACK clothes. It didnt wash out well...so I had white powder all over my ass-area...and what looked like a uh "protein stain" on my crotch. I was sort of uncomfortable with that. I mean...I knew what the stain was, but nobody else was going to think "oh, she must have gotten titanium white pigment powder on her pants"...so I was feeling self conscious.... so I did the only thing I could... :D I went to the school's dontated-clothes room and got something else to wear. Which..means I'm wearing the clothes of two different people that I have never met and will never meet. I hope I'm not covered in bizarre germs now.
...I burned myself twice in the cafeteria...in under five minutes. Not the real kind of burn, like the oven burn Ogre-Cookie was sporting...but it did sting =p.... once I touched the pizza warming table-thing...and the other time I got gravy on my finger. Scalding gravy. ...oh well. At least it was fresh.
...anyhoo...
I'm going to shut up now......there's "homework" to be done.
