I still have the box it came in...

...I was watching American Pie on FX earlier... and the movie got to the part where ...well everybody gets laid. You know, the whole loss of virginity part. I'm staring at the TV and thinking, wow. Those characters are lucky. Is that how some people lost their virginity? Like some sweet tender moment? Like some special amazing thing? ...(except for Jim...cause...you know...)

Anyway, it got me thinking. Now, I don't quite remember the circumstances of my big moment, as it was over a year ago, and I can barely remember what I did yesterday, but I do recall the total lack of um... specialness. Not that it was bad, or even that awkward. It just sort of happened. Like it was something I did all the time. I think that's what kind bugs me. It wasn't even really some socio-cultural rite of passage or any of that shit...it just was something that occured, didn't even really hurt like eeeeeverybody seems to claim. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! LIARS! :p) ... o_o; So do I feel cheated that I didn't have any sort of special, painful, awkward night of virginity loss? You bet your ass. How fucked up is that? I'm sure had it been some media-esque thing, I'd wish it were different too.


...........

anyway now that I've made anyone reading this extremely uncomfortable and possibly a bit sick, I'll be on my way.

^_^

(no subject)

When I mistakes, or when I do something that I feel is a mistake, I spend hours upon hours going over it in my head. You know, what happened, what could have happened, what should have happened. I think "I wish I'd thought before I acted. Why can't I think before I act?" Then I feel all this regret, of course, because self-loathing is my specialty. Then of course other mistakes come to my mind. Other things I did wrong in the past. Then just random bad shit in my head. It's like inviting one person over to hang out, but they the come over, they show up with like 50 other people. I let one bad thought in, and soon a flock of others follow. It's irritating and all. It all builds up, and then sort of evaporates enough for me to forget for a while, but not enough for me to ever feel relaxed or anything.

There's this other thing, where I'm just sort of doing my own thing, and I suddenly realize I'm upset. It's not like I get upset all of a sudden, it's just that I somehow abruptly notice. It's weird.

also...

on another topic...

I'm really starting to freak out this christmas. This whole consumerism thing. I've been complaining about it for weeks, much to the delight of my friends, I'm sure. The thought about how disgusting this type of society is creeps up on me if I watch too many commercials in a row, and especially when I find myself back at the mall. I mean there's all these people there...in the small crowded shops...and they're BUYING things. They're buying all this stuff. I'm doing it too! And what else do I find myself and the rest of my race doing? LOOKING at things. This is amazing when you think about it. The whole window shopping thing. You go into a store, and you walk around, and you stare at things. You pick them up, inspect them for quality, color, shape, etc...and for the most part, you put them down and never consider them again. Even if you spent 15 minutes carrying the object around debating on whether or not it had a place in your life. You spend minute after minute looking at things you slightly want, but probably cannot have.

I experience this alot when I go to Hot Topic(yeah, I'm such a fucking "poseur"). I look at all the clothes:
"Oh, look at that dress, that is so pretty. Fuck, it's $89.00! I can't afford that!"

"Wow, that is the cutest skirt, I want that. Who am I kidding? That is way too short for someone chubby like me."

"Wow a (insert favorite punk-emo-rock-metal band here) t-shirt/hoodie/wrist band! I've got to have that! Let's see...I've got 10...15...22 dollars. Guess I'll buy that other thing I wanted to buy later. Come to mama!"

Then I come into the store sometime later and I'm wearing Hot Topic clothes, looking at Hot Topic clothes, surrounded by people in Hot Topic clothes, and I feel like such a fucking loser. (I'm becoming more and more aware that shopping at Hot Topic is the equivalent of shopping at the Gap, and I'm trying very hard to live with that)

-- back to my point.

There will always be stuff. More time passes, more stuff comes into the realm of purchasing. It's like, fucking scary. Is the world eventually going to become heavy with computers, clothing, barbies, and dvds? What the fuck are we going to do with all this shit? Part of consumerism is, supply and demand. ...which I recently interpeted as meaning "there is always 1000% more in supply than there is in demand." So there's always more shit than there is people who are willing to buy that shit. What does that mean? It means we're making too much shit.

Okay I've slipped too far into the rant and lost my ability to illustrate my feelings in a concrete manner...so I'll just um...stop.

So yeah the whole thing where our entire lives revolve around the buying and selling of goods, is really irritating. But not so irritating as to stop me from buying things.