(no subject)

[violue]

When I mistakes, or when I do something that I feel is a mistake, I spend hours upon hours going over it in my head. You know, what happened, what could have happened, what should have happened. I think "I wish I'd thought before I acted. Why can't I think before I act?" Then I feel all this regret, of course, because self-loathing is my specialty. Then of course other mistakes come to my mind. Other things I did wrong in the past. Then just random bad shit in my head. It's like inviting one person over to hang out, but they the come over, they show up with like 50 other people. I let one bad thought in, and soon a flock of others follow. It's irritating and all. It all builds up, and then sort of evaporates enough for me to forget for a while, but not enough for me to ever feel relaxed or anything.

There's this other thing, where I'm just sort of doing my own thing, and I suddenly realize I'm upset. It's not like I get upset all of a sudden, it's just that I somehow abruptly notice. It's weird.