(no subject)

When I give it some logical thought, that night I took six ambien wasn't a suicide attempt. It was just a cry for help. It was a cry to get help from my friends, or Justin. I think it was a cry to get help from my mom. I don't know why though. That's as far as I get. Of course I know now, that taking six ambien wouldn't have killed me, and that if there is a lethal dose of ambien, it's very, very, very high, but at the time I didn't. I didn't really expect to die though. It was more like the thought that if I happened to die, that would be ok. But it wouldn't have been. Maybe for me, but not for those few left in my life that I'd leave behind. I try to keep that in mind now when I feel like there's no way out.

My mom keeps some of my pills with her and gives me them as needed. I don't really need her to do that, and really I could call in for a refill and not tell her and keep them for myself, but I think having this bit of control over the situation means alot to her, and helps her worry less about me, so for now I'll leave that situation as it is.

I've been increasingly depressed this past week. I have that weird cry lump feeling in my throat alot. I'm frustrated with that. Every time I get depressed I feel like I'm failing. That if Justin's getting on with his life, then I should be too, and the fact that I'm just sad instead means I'm doing something wrong.

I'm trying some of the techniques I've learned to curb those feelings...such as deep breathing and nurturing self-talk, but so far I'm not very good at those things. So far they're only helpful in the moments I'm doing them, they don't really change my mood.

I still think about Justin all the time. Everything reminds me of him. I wonder if he's ok, if he's thinking of me, if I'll see him again. I hate that I don't hear from him anymore. It takes alot to not e-mail him.... but I've done well in the past few weeks. I can assume if he wanted to hear from me, he'd e-mail me.

It makes me so sad that he doesn't. It makes me so sad that I might never see him again, that this may very well be how things end with him and I, after knowing him for about 8 years. I want to try again. I want to get things right. I want that life with him that I've wanted for a long time now. I can't blame him if he never talks to me again, or if he doesn't want to be with me. I know I can't blame him, but I wish things were different.

There is so much I would do differently if we got back together. I hope I get a chance to show him that.

I hope I get a chance to show myself.