(no subject)

So there's all this random stuff that's happened or NOT happened in the past two months that I would usually go and call and whine or brag to my best friend about...

Except I don't have one anymore. The last I heard from her was that I was unsupportive, and that I talked down to her and her boyfriend... and that she wasn't going to come to one of our weekly hang-out thingies because she wanted to think things over.

That was over a month ago and I haven't heard from her since.
I have some abandonment issues and all, and a low opinion of myself... and I have been telling her that I feel like we don't have much in common anymore... But I didn't think she would just cut me out. Without telling me.

So of all the girls I was friends with in my teen years (H, B, M, S, C) ... I'm now not friends with any of them. I guess there are two that I really miss...one that I randomly get teary about every other day.

I only have three friends now. They're all guys... (geeky guys! uwahahaha) ... only one of them do I see regularly...
It's just kind of sad that I've drifted apart from all those people... and the ones that I didn't drift from actually got sick of me. Lovely.

It's my fault though. With H & M, we were never really that close or anything, nor did we have some big falling out, we just sort of grew up and didn't talk anymore. With C, I felt like... she changed too much or something because of a guy I have a lot of trouble liking, and when you worship a guy, and your friend doesn't like him... well... the friend becomes less important sometimes. (Well in this case. None of my friends like the guy I make a habit of worshipping, but since he and I aren't dating, there was never any need to choose) ... With B, well. . . we were an inseparable duo that broke up when we both acted like attention-starved ho's over an older geeky fella. Ahhh that old story. With S, well. I'm unsupportive and talk down I guess. ...also I kept joking that I should be best friends with B again since she was more in my boat when it came to not being to thrilled with her current situation. I think I was hoping S would get jealous and stop focusing all her energy on her boyfriend.

At first it was neat that she was finally happy... but then she started being kinda different from the girl I knew and loved. We were so alike before... o.o chubby, lonely, obsessive... But it didn't seem as bad when you had a friend that was the same way... :\ She wanted to lose weight for him, and so one staple of our friendship, junkfood!! (yes it was a staple, yes it's lame) was gone... and then she started doing all this stuff she said she was against... like... trying different drugs (no, not crack or heroin)... wearing thongs (O.o; why does that bother me!?) ... talking about having kids... spending alot of time talking about the guy she was seeing... || and suddenly the friend I was used to had melted away... she had a boyfriend living with her... but she wanted him to come with her whenever she came to hang out... and wanted to get back to him whenever he didn't come with... something we used to hate seeing other people do... c.c' hence my rather insensitive jokes about needing a new best friend... I did apologize when she said it was hurting her feelings though...

...>_< Women.

I haven't dealt with losing her as a friend too well... I've been eating alot of junk food ... something I'd been doing alot less to keep up with her own progress in weight loss... I did the stupid cutting thing a couple of times... and like I mentioned before... I sporadically start to tear up...

But it's fine. I shouldn't be friends with someone that doesn't like me. What's the point? She told me that I was just her friend because she was there, not because of who she was(a concept that is still sort of confusing me)... which I'm starting to think was a projection of HER feelings and not mine... maybe she was friends with me because I was there...and now that she had a boyfriend to connect with... my personality quirks/flaws weren't worth dealing with anymore.

This sucks. I really hate me sometimes. ...and people. I hate people too. grrr.