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It'se the worst in the morning when I first wake up, and at night before I go to sleep. Maybe my mind is weaker?? All I know is, lately I'm pretty down all day...but the beginning and the end are rough. But like, really rough. This doesn't seem natural. I've been down before, when I wasn't on medication, during some "tough times," but I don't remember being so consistently upset. There's this desperation I'm feel that is extremely unlike my previous feelings. At some points I just want to pull my hair out. The other morning though, I was...I was like not me. I was crying, and I was cutting my wrist, vaguely thinking "die, die."
You don't have to tell me that that's fucked up. I already know.
Anyway. There have been...these warning signs for weeks now. Signs that I'm getting worse...and that I should talk to my doctor about changing my dosage, or my medication. But I kept thinking I should just give it another week, and maybe they would start to have the desired effect. But instead it just kept getting worse and worse. So I have an appointment for tomorrow, with someone I've never met because the original doctor(maybe she was a nurse) isn't there anymore. I hope the last lady wrote down like what was wrong with me and such, so I don't have to tell my life story to yet another total stranger. Not that I really mind, obviously, but given my current state I'm likely to start crying, which is profoundly awkward. I just want some new pills. I sound like an addict. But. I have this odd balance in my brain and it's just really bad now, and now I want it GONE. So if I have to ween off this and take something else, I'm all for it. For now. I don't want to be someone that has to rely on medication for the rest of her life. But for now. Something that works. Has anyone that's been you know, depressed had success with anything? Anything that isn't wellbutrin or prozac? Because that would be TOPS.
The thing that seems to be the biggest relief is conversation. On the one hand I feel completely avoidant of people in general, but when I'm talking about this or that or the other with someone I feel like my 'old self' and whatnot. Friends are helping when they're trying to help...but also when they're just...keeping it real so to speak. Acting normal, and just having some regular old talking and just goofing around and stuff. That is helping. I feel cared about, and I feel normal, and I feel like I'm not so bad. Also, they listen. They listen even though they have a clear idea of what I should do, and are frustrated that I'm not doing it...(thanks Adrian, Shayne...) giving me advice and consolation about shit like the whole "Dominique has to pay for her last year of college" thing... etc.
I feel guilty for always being in this same mood. I hope I don't bring them down too much. I guess I kind of need them, because I feel like I'm running out of people that are my friends, or believe in me, or think I'm good. After the last conversation I had with Zach yesterday, I really don't. I didn't know he had that much bad stuff to say about me...and I feel so stupid for not realizing that we weren't okay. I don't know how to fix any of this...and oh the timing. Am I supposed to fix it? I want to, more than anything...I mean I think I should... because I hurt his feelings, and I shouldn't have, and I didn't even really know I was doing it, so I should make amends. But maybe that isn't enough.
I always say these stupid rude remarks when I'm around him, without even really noticing it. I guess it hurt his feelings... I wasn't that aware of it though...he didn't say much about it. I wish he would have. Instead I realize he's mad and avoiding me when he says he's been doing stuff that makes him happy lately, and when I asked what, the first thing he named was "not talking to you." ...this was in IM's so he didn't see me like cover my mouth and start crying, because wow, I really didn't expect that. I should have. I've just gotten too self-absorbed...I've lost awareness of the world around me. I'm becoming like a person that I reeeeeeally don't like.
Sometimes when I'm around him I have the urge to hug or kiss him, or just to move closer, or say something along the lines of "i love you" or "i think you're swell." But I can't do that. I don't know WHAT he'd do if I did that... so...i go the casual sarcasm route instead. I didn't know I was being mean though.
..so in summary...
I'm having a bad time. thanks for reading
You don't have to tell me that that's fucked up. I already know.
Anyway. There have been...these warning signs for weeks now. Signs that I'm getting worse...and that I should talk to my doctor about changing my dosage, or my medication. But I kept thinking I should just give it another week, and maybe they would start to have the desired effect. But instead it just kept getting worse and worse. So I have an appointment for tomorrow, with someone I've never met because the original doctor(maybe she was a nurse) isn't there anymore. I hope the last lady wrote down like what was wrong with me and such, so I don't have to tell my life story to yet another total stranger. Not that I really mind, obviously, but given my current state I'm likely to start crying, which is profoundly awkward. I just want some new pills. I sound like an addict. But. I have this odd balance in my brain and it's just really bad now, and now I want it GONE. So if I have to ween off this and take something else, I'm all for it. For now. I don't want to be someone that has to rely on medication for the rest of her life. But for now. Something that works. Has anyone that's been you know, depressed had success with anything? Anything that isn't wellbutrin or prozac? Because that would be TOPS.
The thing that seems to be the biggest relief is conversation. On the one hand I feel completely avoidant of people in general, but when I'm talking about this or that or the other with someone I feel like my 'old self' and whatnot. Friends are helping when they're trying to help...but also when they're just...keeping it real so to speak. Acting normal, and just having some regular old talking and just goofing around and stuff. That is helping. I feel cared about, and I feel normal, and I feel like I'm not so bad. Also, they listen. They listen even though they have a clear idea of what I should do, and are frustrated that I'm not doing it...(thanks Adrian, Shayne...) giving me advice and consolation about shit like the whole "Dominique has to pay for her last year of college" thing... etc.
I feel guilty for always being in this same mood. I hope I don't bring them down too much. I guess I kind of need them, because I feel like I'm running out of people that are my friends, or believe in me, or think I'm good. After the last conversation I had with Zach yesterday, I really don't. I didn't know he had that much bad stuff to say about me...and I feel so stupid for not realizing that we weren't okay. I don't know how to fix any of this...and oh the timing. Am I supposed to fix it? I want to, more than anything...I mean I think I should... because I hurt his feelings, and I shouldn't have, and I didn't even really know I was doing it, so I should make amends. But maybe that isn't enough.
I always say these stupid rude remarks when I'm around him, without even really noticing it. I guess it hurt his feelings... I wasn't that aware of it though...he didn't say much about it. I wish he would have. Instead I realize he's mad and avoiding me when he says he's been doing stuff that makes him happy lately, and when I asked what, the first thing he named was "not talking to you." ...this was in IM's so he didn't see me like cover my mouth and start crying, because wow, I really didn't expect that. I should have. I've just gotten too self-absorbed...I've lost awareness of the world around me. I'm becoming like a person that I reeeeeeally don't like.
Sometimes when I'm around him I have the urge to hug or kiss him, or just to move closer, or say something along the lines of "i love you" or "i think you're swell." But I can't do that. I don't know WHAT he'd do if I did that... so...i go the casual sarcasm route instead. I didn't know I was being mean though.
..so in summary...
I'm having a bad time. thanks for reading
