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Apr. 17th, 2005 04:13 pmthe problem is... i'm so sure hes going to be dismissive when i talk to him...so even the slightest bit of that will set me off. ive been sad because i realized he looks to talk to me when he's at work, because im the only one online then. but he doesnt talk to me at home, even if he's on the computer all night...so i dont know if i should message him or not...after all, if he wanted to talk to me, he'd actually do it, right? and then he doesnt ask me to do anything unless he's bored and has nothing else to do...so when I want to hamg out, I dont know if I should ask, because if he was bored enough to hang out with me, he'd probably let me know...so no sense in trying...
see im still hung up on this time a long long time ago, when he'd talk to me or whatever to talk to me, because he wanted to, not because he'd exhausted other options...
but i mean it probably isnt quite like that...im probably putting too much negative thought into the whole thing... exaggerating it in my mind until I get upset... but im not making it out of thin air... must be something there that im picking up on. I have this whole thing about not wanting to feel worthless.
sometimes i make the conscious decision not to message him when i see him online, even when I want to talk...so that I don't have to get these sort of empty disinterested responses...that seem to be just for me... ive seen him chat with other people... he puts effort into it... but then even while knowing i dont want that (albeit minor) rejection, i'll do it anyway, and then get so angry with myself because the same result happens... but then what exactly do I want out of an online conversation with him? there isnt anything to get... and why do i want to hang out with him... you can only spend so many nights watching tv with a guy. ive actually gotten really bored with it...but i dont seem to inspire him to do much else, so theres nothing i can do...i dont know... its still nice ...because he's warm and has a peculiar heart beat and is always playing new music... but... christ can't he go for a walk? so anyway im somewhat bored, but then really bummed that he doesnt want to see me more often :D which is actually pretty funny. ...o_o; I think im under the impression that if we were hanging out alot-ish that we'd somehow start doing interesting things. but i dont know if that would be the case ...maybe id just be watching more dvds in a given week.
but i can't stop thinking about this crap. this is the kind of thing that really annoys zach because then he feels like a bad guy or whatever his complex is... and it annoys shayne because she's seen me doing this alot... and it annoys adrian because he doesn't get why i cant just change my life and do all this stuff different and not talk to zach or something like that. im not totally sure right now.
i think deep down they all think im really really dumb. itd hurt my feelings if they admitted it, but i'd understand. . .cause i do all this dumb shit
...o_O; okay im so babbling.
result of having moodswings WHILE making an entry.
Right now there are two movies on with a young girl named Mae Whitman. how obscure.
anyway... i think im just sad because he's not like enthralled to talk to me, and hes never happy to see me. when I mention something along those lines, he tells me it's because he sees me all the time so he cant get a chance to miss me.
....I don't have to MISS someone to be happy to see them.
He's just stupid.
...and he farts alot too.
there, I feel MUCh better :p
see im still hung up on this time a long long time ago, when he'd talk to me or whatever to talk to me, because he wanted to, not because he'd exhausted other options...
but i mean it probably isnt quite like that...im probably putting too much negative thought into the whole thing... exaggerating it in my mind until I get upset... but im not making it out of thin air... must be something there that im picking up on. I have this whole thing about not wanting to feel worthless.
sometimes i make the conscious decision not to message him when i see him online, even when I want to talk...so that I don't have to get these sort of empty disinterested responses...that seem to be just for me... ive seen him chat with other people... he puts effort into it... but then even while knowing i dont want that (albeit minor) rejection, i'll do it anyway, and then get so angry with myself because the same result happens... but then what exactly do I want out of an online conversation with him? there isnt anything to get... and why do i want to hang out with him... you can only spend so many nights watching tv with a guy. ive actually gotten really bored with it...but i dont seem to inspire him to do much else, so theres nothing i can do...i dont know... its still nice ...because he's warm and has a peculiar heart beat and is always playing new music... but... christ can't he go for a walk? so anyway im somewhat bored, but then really bummed that he doesnt want to see me more often :D which is actually pretty funny. ...o_o; I think im under the impression that if we were hanging out alot-ish that we'd somehow start doing interesting things. but i dont know if that would be the case ...maybe id just be watching more dvds in a given week.
but i can't stop thinking about this crap. this is the kind of thing that really annoys zach because then he feels like a bad guy or whatever his complex is... and it annoys shayne because she's seen me doing this alot... and it annoys adrian because he doesn't get why i cant just change my life and do all this stuff different and not talk to zach or something like that. im not totally sure right now.
i think deep down they all think im really really dumb. itd hurt my feelings if they admitted it, but i'd understand. . .cause i do all this dumb shit
...o_O; okay im so babbling.
result of having moodswings WHILE making an entry.
Right now there are two movies on with a young girl named Mae Whitman. how obscure.
anyway... i think im just sad because he's not like enthralled to talk to me, and hes never happy to see me. when I mention something along those lines, he tells me it's because he sees me all the time so he cant get a chance to miss me.
....I don't have to MISS someone to be happy to see them.
He's just stupid.
...and he farts alot too.
there, I feel MUCh better :p
