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shades of muddy brown
Jun. 10th, 2004 03:13 pmi'm playing invisible again. of course it's still the same thing where nobody is going to KNOW im on invis since if im invis, icq doesnt show me as online.
im upset today...partially because there were things i was looking forward to doing this weekend, and everything got all changed and now i'm not going to do most of them. but mostly because i spent last night with Z and his friend... they werent talking much...and i was talking non-stop...i wasnt really saying anything constructive, but im usually not one for awkward silences...or thinking before i speak, so i didnt really shut up...
but Z thought i was being annoying/obnoxious...and his friend thought i was being manipulative and that I was playing games, and she found my behavior so disagreeable that she expressed all this, as well as her dislike for me, to Z while I was in the other room playing with my face....and then she left. A person that I barely know found me so irritating that she got annoyed and left....and it's not like it was some whiny brat or child or whatnot, she's in her 30's, she's intelligent and experienced, and she truly dislikes me, and it really upsets me. Not just because I have this need for people to like me, but, because something in my personality, some part of ME, upset her to the point where she didnt want to be around me.
I realize now that everything that occured last night, not just with her, but with the other one..everything was telling me I was unwanted where I was...even after she had gone...and I didn't go anywhere, and I feel like such a jerk, and I'm frustrated because I can't make it better.
i wake up somewhere and realized i shouldn't be there then, or probably ever and it choked me up inside...and i lay there for hours, awake and unmoving, profoundly sick to my stomach, just feeling stupid and sorry for myself. I discover new lows every week.
with self pity comes self loathing or at the very least blame...nobody did anything wrong but me, i can't blame anyone but me
but anyway i finally got out of bed after laying there sometimes awake sometimes sleeping for over 5 hours after I got home...and I just don't feel any better.
but it's not like I'll never move past this. sure I get over things at about the rate that it takes a snail to ascend a mountain, but...uh that snail will reach the top of the mountain i guess.
im upset today...partially because there were things i was looking forward to doing this weekend, and everything got all changed and now i'm not going to do most of them. but mostly because i spent last night with Z and his friend... they werent talking much...and i was talking non-stop...i wasnt really saying anything constructive, but im usually not one for awkward silences...or thinking before i speak, so i didnt really shut up...
but Z thought i was being annoying/obnoxious...and his friend thought i was being manipulative and that I was playing games, and she found my behavior so disagreeable that she expressed all this, as well as her dislike for me, to Z while I was in the other room playing with my face....and then she left. A person that I barely know found me so irritating that she got annoyed and left....and it's not like it was some whiny brat or child or whatnot, she's in her 30's, she's intelligent and experienced, and she truly dislikes me, and it really upsets me. Not just because I have this need for people to like me, but, because something in my personality, some part of ME, upset her to the point where she didnt want to be around me.
I realize now that everything that occured last night, not just with her, but with the other one..everything was telling me I was unwanted where I was...even after she had gone...and I didn't go anywhere, and I feel like such a jerk, and I'm frustrated because I can't make it better.
i wake up somewhere and realized i shouldn't be there then, or probably ever and it choked me up inside...and i lay there for hours, awake and unmoving, profoundly sick to my stomach, just feeling stupid and sorry for myself. I discover new lows every week.
with self pity comes self loathing or at the very least blame...nobody did anything wrong but me, i can't blame anyone but me
but anyway i finally got out of bed after laying there sometimes awake sometimes sleeping for over 5 hours after I got home...and I just don't feel any better.
but it's not like I'll never move past this. sure I get over things at about the rate that it takes a snail to ascend a mountain, but...uh that snail will reach the top of the mountain i guess.
