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shades of gray
Jun. 4th, 2004 12:57 pmi woke up this morning, and i was really "down" i guess. i skipped my psychology class, and just put towels over my window to block the sunlight, and crawled back into bed. actually i'll probably go back there soon. i guess i'm putting all this here because i don't really know who to talk to about what i'm feeling right now, not that i know what i'm feeling, and...i don't really want to talk to anyone about it, face to face, or otherwise...
but i feel queasy, and tired, but like i always say, i'm always tired. life has that cardboard taste to it, where school, and hanging out with people, even the object of my unrequited affection, has a bland-blah sort of feel to it. even the pain, or 'emotional discomfort' has become bland and disinteresting.
i want to leave, but the farthest i could get with my money is portland, and that would be a one-way ticket, i'd have no where to go, and no money for food, but i can't stop thinking about going and buying that ticket after finals.
not that leaving will do any good, because it's not like i have all these massive horrible problems that i can escape from, it's all internal, and that's not something i can leave behind just by shifting my location to a city 2 hours away.
i guess i'm really rocking the self-pity, but everyone has days like this. some people have an entire life like this.. i hope i'm not one of them. a few years of brooding is a phase, a lifetime of it is a cosmic waste of time.
I keep checking my ICQ to see who's online, as if they'll message me, but actually I but anyone that WOULD message me on my invisible list....eh.. it's a mighty-short list.
i don't know where this is all coming from...all that happened was i went to a movie with "Z" last night...ROTK at the cheapy theater... and then i went home, that's it.
actually i was a little sad that we didnt hang out afterwards, but nothing that would warrant carriage of that sadness into the next day. so, i don't get it.
(i just looked at my icq list again...yep, they're still online...guess they can't message me if they don't know i'm here...this is bizarre)
...maybe it was something Z said... that made me think about the way i dress and all the sorts of random things i do to purposely garner attention...it makes me want to just be as bland as possible so no one will think ill of me, and i won't be an attention-whore. ...well maybe a bit of an attention whore...i'm still making this entry after all.
oh well, enough of this, my brother is in his room probably impatiently waiting for me to get off the computer so he can get back to what he was doing before he left it unattended.
...Uh, if anyone needs me i'll be in my room, getting pale.
--dom
but i feel queasy, and tired, but like i always say, i'm always tired. life has that cardboard taste to it, where school, and hanging out with people, even the object of my unrequited affection, has a bland-blah sort of feel to it. even the pain, or 'emotional discomfort' has become bland and disinteresting.
i want to leave, but the farthest i could get with my money is portland, and that would be a one-way ticket, i'd have no where to go, and no money for food, but i can't stop thinking about going and buying that ticket after finals.
not that leaving will do any good, because it's not like i have all these massive horrible problems that i can escape from, it's all internal, and that's not something i can leave behind just by shifting my location to a city 2 hours away.
i guess i'm really rocking the self-pity, but everyone has days like this. some people have an entire life like this.. i hope i'm not one of them. a few years of brooding is a phase, a lifetime of it is a cosmic waste of time.
I keep checking my ICQ to see who's online, as if they'll message me, but actually I but anyone that WOULD message me on my invisible list....eh.. it's a mighty-short list.
i don't know where this is all coming from...all that happened was i went to a movie with "Z" last night...ROTK at the cheapy theater... and then i went home, that's it.
actually i was a little sad that we didnt hang out afterwards, but nothing that would warrant carriage of that sadness into the next day. so, i don't get it.
(i just looked at my icq list again...yep, they're still online...guess they can't message me if they don't know i'm here...this is bizarre)
...maybe it was something Z said... that made me think about the way i dress and all the sorts of random things i do to purposely garner attention...it makes me want to just be as bland as possible so no one will think ill of me, and i won't be an attention-whore. ...well maybe a bit of an attention whore...i'm still making this entry after all.
oh well, enough of this, my brother is in his room probably impatiently waiting for me to get off the computer so he can get back to what he was doing before he left it unattended.
...Uh, if anyone needs me i'll be in my room, getting pale.
--dom
