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Jan. 25th, 2004
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Jan. 25th, 2004 02:21 pmI am so amazingly unhappy at this particular moment in time, this hour, that I don't know what to do with myself. anyone ever have one of those moments where you start to realize you're just a horrible person? like every thing you do is just garbage?
im always feeling bad for myself, because little bad things happen to me. not big traumatic things...well not so much, everyone has those, but little things that pile up. and I always think, like everyone else, 'why? what did I do?' and people always say, they ALWAYS say, there is no reason
well maybe there is. maybe I just suck and the universe is annoyed with me.
my friend is saying, right now, that i think im better than my friends. my brother used to say that alot too. now he says it as a joke, but even a year ago, when he'd get mad at me, he'd say that I thought I was so perfect, and that I thought i was so much better than him.
anyway, thats what she's saying now... we're talking over IM, which is good because if she was over here, or if she'd called me, Id have started crying during this conversation with someone there to listen, and thats just so embarrassing. but she's saying that I think I'm better than them. I told her sometimes I get tired of the way we all act (the talking behind backs, the talking IN FRONT of backs, the insulting people we know for no reason, that we all do) and she said "so you think you're better than us now?"
she said I talk down to them, like they're children, like they don't understand things. she said i use a 'tone'. which I dont know what she means, but just because I don't recognize doesn't mean I think I'm better.
I know that I do shit like correct pronounciation, or grammar, or incorrect facts and stuff, which is annyoing no doubt, but is that enough to lead the people I've known for 6 years that I think i'm better?
this makes me doubt myself, like, maybe i do think I'm better. and maybe they pick up on that, and thats how all the little things they do that I think are mean end up happening?
its just that I have such low self esteem at times, that it's beyond me to think that I subconsciously think I'm better than them.
What the hell does that even mean?? Do I think I'm smarter? Or nicer? Or more attractive? Or more interesting??
What is it she means? Well I can eliminate the more attractive one. There's aboslutely no way that I could give off that impression.
...god, I don't know.
I don't know how to convince them that I dont think that...if that's the reason they do little thinks.
...like joking about hooking up with people I happen to like alot...(not you, Keith :P)
they said they're just kidding, and its not like it would happen...
But who says something like that for no reason?
Maybe this is it?
Maybe I think I'm better and they think they need to take me down?
...it doesnt make any sense. I don't understand people at all
im always feeling bad for myself, because little bad things happen to me. not big traumatic things...well not so much, everyone has those, but little things that pile up. and I always think, like everyone else, 'why? what did I do?' and people always say, they ALWAYS say, there is no reason
well maybe there is. maybe I just suck and the universe is annoyed with me.
my friend is saying, right now, that i think im better than my friends. my brother used to say that alot too. now he says it as a joke, but even a year ago, when he'd get mad at me, he'd say that I thought I was so perfect, and that I thought i was so much better than him.
anyway, thats what she's saying now... we're talking over IM, which is good because if she was over here, or if she'd called me, Id have started crying during this conversation with someone there to listen, and thats just so embarrassing. but she's saying that I think I'm better than them. I told her sometimes I get tired of the way we all act (the talking behind backs, the talking IN FRONT of backs, the insulting people we know for no reason, that we all do) and she said "so you think you're better than us now?"
she said I talk down to them, like they're children, like they don't understand things. she said i use a 'tone'. which I dont know what she means, but just because I don't recognize doesn't mean I think I'm better.
I know that I do shit like correct pronounciation, or grammar, or incorrect facts and stuff, which is annyoing no doubt, but is that enough to lead the people I've known for 6 years that I think i'm better?
this makes me doubt myself, like, maybe i do think I'm better. and maybe they pick up on that, and thats how all the little things they do that I think are mean end up happening?
its just that I have such low self esteem at times, that it's beyond me to think that I subconsciously think I'm better than them.
What the hell does that even mean?? Do I think I'm smarter? Or nicer? Or more attractive? Or more interesting??
What is it she means? Well I can eliminate the more attractive one. There's aboslutely no way that I could give off that impression.
...god, I don't know.
I don't know how to convince them that I dont think that...if that's the reason they do little thinks.
...like joking about hooking up with people I happen to like alot...(not you, Keith :P)
they said they're just kidding, and its not like it would happen...
But who says something like that for no reason?
Maybe this is it?
Maybe I think I'm better and they think they need to take me down?
...it doesnt make any sense. I don't understand people at all
